How to Talk to Elderly Parents About Their Memorial Wishes

There comes a point in your life when your parent’s mortality becomes too significant to ignore. Those who are lucky enough to see their parents advance to an old age might not have to deal with this until they are well into adulthood. But it doesn’t matter when this realisation hits home – it’s going to be a significant thing you have to deal with.

Your parents have raised you and been the ones you look up to for so long, so it can be hard when the tables turn and you have to think about being the one to take care of them. It’s tempting to ignore reality and pretend this isn’t going to happen for as long as possible, but finding peace with your parent’s mortality can help you to appreciate the time you have left with them.

Having a conversation about their memorial wishes can also pave the way for an easier experience after they pass. It can make the process of making arrangements much less distressing, as you know exactly what they would have wanted. For example, if they express a preference for cremation, you might explore ashes jewellery as a meaningful way to honour them.

How to broach the topic of death with your parents

Often the easiest way into this type of conversation would be on the back of a conversation about the death of someone else. As your parents get older, they’ll start to attend more funerals, and this could be the ideal way to start the conversation.

Make sure you read the room and don’t start a heavy conversation if they are already in a solemn place. Be receptive to the mood and pick your timing. Ask if they are open to having a conversation about what they might like to happen after their death.

You can also schedule time for this conversation and let them know you have something important you would like to discuss. This will set the stage for a serious conversation and let them know that it’s important to you.

What to do if you meet resistance

Remember that some people really don’t want to think about this topic. You might be able to find some distance from the topic since your own death might feel further away, but your parents might be feeling the weight of the subject much more acutely.

If you meet resistance, start by explaining why it’s important to you. If the conversation is shut down again, then you know it’s time to give it a rest. Don’t push too hard, but let it be known that you’d like to revisit the topic at another time.

Put it in writing

It might be that your parents don’t want to talk about it, but they might be open to discussing it in writing. You might want to start an email thread with some options for what they might want to consider. Even just the basics of burial versus cremation can help to make your life easier when your parents do pass away.

You can then dig a little deeper. If they would like to be cremated, would they like their ashes to be scattered or buried. Remember that some people really don’t care about what happens after their death. In many ways, memorials are for the living, so it’s not really about honouring their wishes, but about meeting your own expectations. Our memorial keepsakes section can help inspire choices that bring peace and meaning to the family.

It’s far more important to ensure the practical things are considered, like making sure your parents have updated their will and have received financial advice regarding their estate. These small administrative nightmares are often the things that make life stressful following the death of a parent.

At a time when you should be focusing on your grief, the last thing you want is to be trapped in a probate battle because of an out of date will.

Final thoughts on talking about memorial wishes

There is a temptation to want to get it right when planning a memorial, but anything you do that brings people together will be the right thing. Don’t sweat the finer details and think more about the bigger picture.

Memorials are all about celebrating a life and giving closure to those left behind so they can go on to live a fulfilling life. While it’s nice to make sure you’ve had these conversations before your parents pass, remember that not everyone will have this opportunity, and those memorials will be no less meaningful.