How to Talk to Teenagers About the Loss of a Loved One

The teenage years are some of the hardest to navigate from an emotional perspective. Hormone levels are on the rise, and emotional stability can be hard to come by. So when death comes knocking during the teenage years, it can be especially hard to navigate.

At this age, your teenager might be dealing with the death of a grandparent, a parent, or even a friend. Teenagers often want to be left alone to deal with their own problems, but this could lead them to shut off and distract themselves.

While it’s certainly possible to become overbearing and suffocating in your approach to helping a teenager deal with death, there are also steps you can take to ease their journey through grief. As much as a teenager might claim they aren’t bothered or affected, you can guarantee that they have questions and complex feelings to navigate.

If you’re struggling to talk to a teenager about the loss of a loved one, try these approaches.

Find time away from distractions

Modern life is filled with ways to numb our brains into not thinking about anything at all. Phones, tablets, computers and TVs can also be a great distraction to avoid conversations.

As much as your teenager might be glued to one or more of these devices, you can lead by example by suggesting things you can do that will allow you to put these things away. Choose activities that you know your teenager loves so that you won’t be fighting an uphill battle to get them there.

Be direct in your language

Teenagers are nearly adults, and will appreciate your directness when it comes to talking about death. You don’t have to dance around the issue. You can say that someone has died, and that they are dead. You don’t have to say they passed away or went to heaven. Save the soft language for much younger children.

Let them know they can ask questions

Teenagers often avoid talking about death because they worry about upsetting others. If you are also grieving, they might be afraid to ask questions or talk about the situation. Make it clear to them that the worst part of this has already happened, and talking about it or asking questions can’t make it any worse. This will give them the space they need to start formulating what it is they want to know.

Answer as best you can

The simple truth is that no one has all of the answers, and there are some things we still don’t know about death. Be honest about the limitations of your knowledge – it’s perfectly fine to not know certain things.

You can also give them resources that might help them to explore death from different perspectives. Other cultures might have comforting ideas about death that are helpful to think about. There are religious angles that can often bring comfort, even if you haven’t raised your child within any particular religion.

Validate their feelings

Grief impacts everyone in different ways and everyone will have their own path for dealing with grief. Teenagers, in particular, might feel the negative effects of grief for much longer. It’s important not to dismiss their feelings or tell them they should be over it by now.

Even if you feel that your teenager is using death as an excuse to get out of certain things, you should ask yourself why they are doing this. The very act of using death as an excuse for avoiding things or acting in a certain way should be treated as a stage in the grieving process.

Encourage expression

They don’t have to put on a brave face for anyone. Teenagers should be encouraged to express their grief in a healthy and productive way. If they are struggling to process it and to get on with everyday tasks, consider talking therapy as a way for them to work out these complex emotions.

There are lots of ways that a teenager might be able to express their feelings, including through art, writing, volunteering or speaking with family members. Your own friends might also be able to provide support during this time, as they will be older and wiser figures, but your teenager won’t associate them with a traditional parental role.

Maintain a sense of routine

It’s tempting to want to make every day special and unique and to spoil your teenager while they are going through a difficult patch, but they will be better supported if you try to stick to some sense of routine.

Trying to distract them with shopping trips or extravagant days out will teach them that death brings change. And eventually, things will have to go back to normal and they will have to deal with their emotions. This will bring them crashing back down to earth, with fewer distractions to keep them busy.

Routine and sticking to the schedule is better, but of course you might want to throw in the occasional treat to make things a little easier.

Remember grief isn’t linear

A common issue that parents and carers will face is when they assume that the feelings of grief have passed, but then they see what they think is a “relapse”. Grief is not a linear process and should instead be thought of as cyclical.

While there are common stages of grief, not everyone will experience it in this way, and they might not experience the stages in succession. Instead of thinking of grief as something that you go through and then get over, try to think of it as something that you learn to live with. It changes you in some way, and teaches you something about the world and about yourself.

If you feel like your teenager is struggling to adapt in the wake of a death, don’t be afraid to seek professional help. Talk therapy can be highly effective in helping teenagers to process their emotions and move forward with their lives. This will also give them the skills they need to cope with adversity later in life.