How to Mark a Loved One’s Birthday After They’re Gone

You might think you are coping well with the loss of a loved one, and then their birthday arrives and you find yourself struggling again. This date on the calendar can be very distressing, and you might feel like you want to sleep for 24 hours and miss the day entirely.

Ignoring these occasions won’t make them any less painful. When you remember that the worst part of it has already happened, you can take comfort in the idea that it can’t get any worse. Thinking about your loved one won’t make it more painful, so you don’t have to shy away from your feelings.

Instead of shutting down on their birthday, you can choose to turn it into something positive and beautiful. By making it a celebration of their life, you can focus on everything they brought into your life, rather than dwelling on their absence.

If you’re struggling to decide how to mark the occasion, consider the following ideas:

Visit their grave or final resting place

If you have a physical place you can visit, such as a grave, a scattering site or even a memorial garden, it can be helpful to visit on their birthday. You might take flowers, cake or small trinkets to leave at the site.

Visiting the grave is the most obvious choice for a loved one’s birthday, but you don’t have to make it all about their death. You can also find a way to make this special occasion about their life.

Take a trip down memory lane

Basking in their memory on their birthday can be hugely cathartic, particularly if you have been trying to shut down your emotions and just not think about it. Giving yourself the opportunity to bring out everything that reminds you of the person and then reliving your favourite moments can be a touching way to pay tribute to their memory.

Your loved one wouldn’t want to think about you ignoring their memory after their death. Digging up these emotions can’t make things any worse, and you may even find the joy in letting your emotions out.

Bake a cake

It doesn't have to be a cake specifically, but cooking or baking can help you to connect with your senses. Your sense of smell and taste are linked to memory, so revisiting their favourite dishes or making their favourite dessert can help you to feel connected to them again.

Cooking and baking are also very mindful and distracting activities that have rules you need to follow. This kind of regimented approach can give structure to your grief and help to keep you focused. If you are prone to functional freeze and isolation when you are trapped in grief, then getting creative in the kitchen could help you to overcome this.

Visit a place they loved

Returning to the places that your loved one enjoyed in their life can be a powerful way to connect with their memory. It could be as simple as going to a favourite coffee shop that you’ve been avoiding, or it might be taking a trip to somewhere you like to go together.

The change of scenery can often help you to process your grief by giving you the chance of new experiences. Even if you’ve been to the place before, this will be your first time visiting without your loved one, and so it can be beneficial to the grieving process to have new experiences.

Visit a place they always wanted to visit

Going to a place where your loved one always wanted to visit can also be a touching way to spend their birthday. Taking a trip in their honour is a perfect way to remind yourself that life goes on. You don’t have to be trapped in a world that is limited by the things you experienced together.

Getting away from things that are familiar can also help you to feel less trapped by your memories and allow you to start making new memories. If you’re feeling lost and lonely on the trip, consider taking a friend along, or you could take your favourite memorial jewellery to hold close. You might even scatter some of the ashes at the destination, so you can feel like your loved one finally gets to visit.

Enjoy their favourite things

If you don’t want to be alone on their birthday, consider asking your loved ones to get together for a small celebration of life party. During this type of event, you would typically bring together their favourite things and enjoy them together. This could include listening to their favourite music, watching their favourite films, playing their favourite games and eating their favourite foods.

These activities will help to kick start conversations and might dig up some long-forgotten memories about the individual. It can be very helpful to be surrounded by other people who might be grieving their loss. Sharing memories can help you to feel connected with others who are going through the same thing.

Spend the day alone

Sometimes, the only thing you need is to be kind to yourself and give yourself some space. You don’t have to be pressured into doing anything or marking the day in any special way. You can also spend the day doing absolutely nothing. If it’s on a weekday, take the day off work and plan to do absolutely nothing.

Retreating and giving yourself some space to let your mind wander is sometimes exactly what you need. You could do some light gardening to keep yourself occupied, or go for a walk to listen to the birds. Releasing yourself from other people’s expectations can be just the thing you need to regulate your emotions on this particularly difficult day.

Final thoughts

The most important thing to remember is that there is no right or wrong way to mark a person’s birthday after their death. And you don’t have to feel trapped by tradition. You might like to mark this special occasion for the first few years, and then you might want to stick to a quiet moment of reflection in the morning before getting on with your day.